Finding Yourself in a Fast Food Nation
by Diane Elayne Dees
Several years ago, essayist Bailey White wrote a short piece called "Finding Myself," included in Mama Makes Up Her Mind: And Other Dangers of Southern Living, about her cousin who went to Santa Fe to find herself. White said she also had set out to do something similar many years earlier, back when California was the popular destination for finding oneself. She never made it, though-the bus broke down-leaving her to ask: "What about all the unfound selves wandering around the Western states? What happens if they are never claimed?"
White sends a message to her unfound self: "I'm not coming. I have a good job, I just put a new roof on the house, and completely on my own I have achieved that inner peace that only comes with middle age."
In just a few pages, White skewers the American obsession with self-actualization, or rather, what seems to be an obsession finding shortcuts to self-actualization. We are a nation of self-help books, talk shows, religious movements, yoga classes, retreats, psychotherapy, and support groups. But has our pursuit of knowledge made us more evolved? As a psychotherapist I confess to certain biases, but I am also well aware of the vast numbers of people who look to psychotherapeutic intervention for a quick fix to long-term, complicated problems. It also has been my experience that most people who need long-term help do not stick around to get it.
A lot of factors come into play when we examine why so many middle-class Americans are unsatisfied with their lives and with themselves. The many forms of childhood abuse, rigid community indoctrination, and cultural expectations—especially those regarding gender roles-affect how people feel about themselves. From where I sit, there is not enough modeling by parents and teachers of courageous and authentic living. Many adolescent girls, for example, have told me they learned to accept themselves for who they are because of people like Madonna. Few, however, told me they learned to accept themselves because of modeling done by their parents. You cannot be who you really are unless you have the courage to discern that inner person, and it is hard to have courage if you have not seen courage in action.
There is constant talk on the news of "values teaching" and "protecting the children." Something is not working: Our divorce rate has skyrocketed, drug abuse abounds, and prescription psychopharmaceuticals sales are at the highest levels ever.
The U.S. has also seen a surge in the construction of mega-churches, complete with video-equipped satellites, designed to appeal to busy professionals in suburbia. And we have become a nation of pop psychology gurus. Dr. Phil, Laura Schlessinger, Rick Warren, and other media stars deliver advice and catchphrases on a daily basis. Our latest obsession is "coaching." A "life coach" teaches clients how to gain confidence, reduce stress, "create balance," and, of course, how to discover who you are.
There is nothing wrong with having a lot of resources. Churches, psychotherapists, and self-help books have, for a long time, guided people toward better lives. What is happening in America, though, is not just exploitation of a wide use of resources, but a kind of desperate search for "meaning" that is heavy on icing and short on cake. The more we seek, the more our families come apart at the seams, the more violent are our cities, and the more corrupt our governments become. This disconnect is so huge that one is forced to ask: Is the seeking itself part of the problem?
To some degree, I think it is. The latest trend in psychotherapy is to solve the client's current problem rather than to focus on root causes. This is a model that generally pleases clients, but may not create a lasting model for progress. If you do not wish to go into treatment, you still have other choices. You cannot turn on the television without hearing a commercial for a set of CDs that will help eliminate anxiety and depression from your life. And while some of these CDs can be helpful, they are not a substitute for the healing presence that is needed by so many people. Likewise, following the advice of a media personality may give you exactly what you need to solve a problem, but it cannot provide you with a healing or corrective relationship.
Many Americans have developed a kind of patchwork spirituality, combining their lifelong faith with some Buddhist practices, or augmenting their religion with specialized psychotherapy or writing. This creative approach is useful for people who are disillusioned with religion but feel empty without it, and perhaps their refusal to do one-stop shopping is part of the solution for assuaging collective feelings of emptiness. Some have also suggested that middle-class Americans search for spiritual meaning from a variety of outlets because they are spoiled by privilege and have the luxury to do so. These critics often recommend a return to good old-fashioned volunteerism as a way for people of relative privilege to find meaning. Helping others is a positive act; there is, however, a fine line between generously providing help and using generosity as a way to avoid dealing with one's own void.
We may shake our heads over people who go to Santa Fe or California or the Andes to find themselves, but they really are no different from those who seek to find themselves in the latest psychotherapeutic trends, series of workbooks, or author-inspired groups. For many people, Bailey White's solution works—simply wait for age to bring you wisdom. But it is not that "easy" for everyone. And those who seek seriously must exercise great patience, make careful choices, and expect more pain before seeing any light.
BIO: DIANE ELAYNE DEES, a psychotherapist and writer in Covington, Louisiana, is a regular contributor to Moondance. Her short stories, creative nonfiction, poetry, and political commentary have appeared in many publications. You can read her blog, The Dees Diversion, at thedeesdiversion.blogspot.com. Contact Diane at deesdiversion@gobigwest.com.
THANEEYA MCARDLE'S STATEMENT: This image involves a meditating figure with a clock illuminating the third eye. Emanating from the figure is a blend of buddhas, black hole equations, and a map of the stars. This image exemplifies a marriage of science and religion, both of which are pedantic attempts at examining the reason for life on earth. The religion/science relationship depicts a unification of the outer world with the inner workings of the mind. This didactic standpoint demonstrates a search for the meaning of life that is based on research and discipline, creating a synthesis between the oft-opposing disciplines of religion and science.
Visit her website at www.thaneeya.com