I got out of bed at 5am this morning to write about something that just couldn’t wait. Then life happened. I got distracted, and here I am, 12 hours later, finally alone, palms itching to talk!
What is it that’s so important anyway? Well, life of course……..or is it understanding something suddenly – having a minor epiphany you want to remember and share with others. In order to do that sharing bit, however, you have to allow someone to actually read what you’ve written. I tried that once (and wished I hadn’t) when I experienced the first adult kiss of creativity. Somehow, I had inadvertently awakened the Creativity Beast I’d imprisoned in the deep dark depths of my soul my whole life, in the belief it could at best distract me and at worst destroy me and everyone around me.
Wow! What an incredibly powerful tool this must be, and like all “power tools,” should be treated with the utmost respect and serious adherence to the instructions. But the Creativity Beast, like me, doesn’t come with instructions. In fact my intuition, which has served me very well over the years, has been coaxing me to take a big deep breath and turn on the light, open the cage, and set it free!
Now, I like adventure as much as the next person, but my Creativity Beast scares the living shit out of me! Whenever I have summoned enough courage to shed a little light on my “CB,” to take a look at this virtually unknown entity, it has wasted no time in confronting me, eye to eye, toe to toe, which hasn’t happened to me very often in my adult life. Over the years—well the last five or so—I’ve peeked at my Creativity Beast and, like some enormously prolific plant, it seems to double and triple in size with the slightest hint of light. It constantly beckons me to embrace it, release it, and hang on tight!
Lately, I have had cause to take a good look at who I am, where I come from, the culture and expectations I grew up with, my obvious escape from the latter, and the foundations I have played a major role in building for my own family. As anyone who has undertaken such a journey knows, it’s a seriously challenging adventure. I find it hugely scary and exciting all at the same time!
One week, I feel I’m in the bowels of some Scottish mine like those my father spent much of his adult life in, manually digging for answers at the coalface of my soul, blind and exhausted. The next week, I feel so wonderfully enlightened, the very air I breathe is full of love, light, and healing, and I’m so happy I could pee my pants! Go figure. Maybe I have some multiple personality disorder and am suffering from a mental illness that a concerned medical professional will inform me of if this little creative writing moment ever gets to see the light of day. It’s either that, or I have an incontinence problem.
What seems to be obvious in my “get to know me” journey is that the more I look, the more I see. There’s good and bad, smart and clever, as well as dumb and really stupid, powerful and weak, lovable and not so lovable. There is also the downright ugly alongside what I can almost accept as the positively beautiful. Who knew?
I recall the years of spouting advice to others about having to first love yourself before you can truly love another or allow another to love you, yet I have never, ever loved myself. This realisation caused me actual pain and really depressed me. I began to see the incredible energy it has cost me over the years, to have others perceive me as self-confident, strong, capable, and comfortable in my own skin. That energy could have been used so much more productively and honestly -had I only known myself better-if I had just thought, or even dared, to look behind my own projection. I have now, and I’m still looking. There is so much to see, touch, feel and listen to.
As for my Creativity Beastie, it is both a raging innocent unjustly imprisoned, and a baby at my breast, both powerful and vulnerable, needing nurtured and freedom to grow. It’s really just me, all of me. I can’t separate myself or hide from it any longer. I don’t want to, because my “Big Beastie” brings me big joy! It also smacks me in the face with my own passion, which is quite hilariously stupendous, in a teenaged, hormonal sort of way.
So if these words fall on itchy palms or fertile ears, I beseech you to be brave and have a peek at your own Creativity Beast! We all have one, but few know theirs intimately, and ever more rarely let others take a glimpse. The amazing thing is if you do, the world still turns and the moon still shines. The only change is …you grow!
Scottish-born, Lyndy McGill-Rothery resides in Australia with David and their children, Matt and Vikki. The Creativity Beast is Lyndy’s first ever submission for publication. She also writes poetry & manages Matt’s punk band Jack’s BeanStalkin. Lyndy is currently developing a Confidence-Building Program and teaches her Goal Achievement Program in Sydney.