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I would like to tell you a story
A story about a little girl
A little girl maybe four, maybe five, or maybe even younger
A beautiful little girl
So innocent . . . so sweet, with soft blonde hair and hazel eyes
Eyes that oh yes sparkled with wonderment at the beauty of the world
And this little girl was like any other little girl
She loved to explore
She loved to play games
And she loved her parents dearly
She wanted what any other little girl wanted
And that was unconditional love
That love that was always there . . . no matter what
That love that rocked you when you were scared
That love that responded to your love and affection
That love that gave you a hug and said "I am here for you"
She desperately wanted that kind of love
What this beautiful little girl found
Was something totally different
When she went to hug . . . to love . . . to be close . . .
She found nothing . . . silence . . .
When she talked and explored and asked
She found nothing . . . silence . . .
And she tried. . . and she tried . . . and she tried . . . to connect in any way
she could . . .
She found nothing . . . silence . . .
This beautiful little girl . . . being like most children
Started to worry . . . started to fret . . . started to panic
Started to assume . . . started to know in her heart
There must be something wrong with her
"I am bad not worthy of love
I am . . . "
Silence . . .
And this little girl continued to grow
This little girl was such a perfect child
This little girl never did or said anything to make any waves
This little girl knew in her heart it was the only way she could please
This little girl so sad on the inside . . . so very very sad . . . on the outside smiled
On the outside acted as if her world was perfect
On the outside acted whole, acted calm, acted together
Until one day this somewhat "older" girl discovered horses
Discovered that horses could take her pain away, could help stop the hurt
Discovered that horses listened, they loved no matter what
Discovered that horses were so soft, so gentle, so caring
Discovered that horses could help soothe a heavy heart
Discovered that horses could save her from the silence
Discovered that maybe there is something better . . .
Something different then silence . . .
And so the story continues . . .
This young girl became a woman
She went to college and made friends
And stored and buried a very old and closed wound
She met the love of her life
She graduated from college and became a teacher
She married . . .
She worked . . . she struggled . . .
She pretended that everything was fine
And in the meantime that wound . . . that "silence" was starting to fester
That wound was starting to open a little at a time
That wound was starting to gnaw and tear at her heart and soul
And as this wound was festering this woman worked with special needs children
Developed a bond like none else
Watched these wonderful young children reach milestone after milestone
And in so doing wanted to watch her own children grow
And so came her first pregnancy
With this came a beautiful little boy
Alive, vivacious and scary
This woman was a mom
A mom . . . a mom . . . a mom . . .
What about the silence??
This woman worked hard
This woman promised herself things would be different
This woman loved and loved and loved her little boy and
For this precious little boy there was no silence . . . only affection . . .
Lots of affection . . . and love . . .
The wound opening . . . just opening . . . opening a little at a time
With one child there must be another
This woman conceived and this woman miscarried
This woman was relieved that she miscarried
That wound . . . that wound surfacing . . . that silence . . .
This woman started to see a counselor
Things were uncovered
Internal battles were begun
Layers and layers and layers were starting to unfold
Still that silence . . .
That wound . . .
That struggle . . .
Oh that struggle . . .
Oh that silence . . .
Another miscarriage . . .
That silence . . .
That struggle . . .
This women had another beautiful baby boy
A "miracle" baby boy in this woman's eyes
A baby boy that was so dear . . . so wanted . . . so loved . . .
Just as his big brother was
That wound . . .
That silence . . .
That struggle . . .
That inner work . . .
And now . . .
This woman has a wonderful and adoring husband who she loves dearly
This woman has two beautiful boys who she deeply loves and they love her
This woman has shown her boys what true unconditional love is
This woman has done the best she can with "the silence"
This woman works . . . and works . . . and works . . . and works on
herself . . .
This woman still has and always will have the connection in her life of horses
This woman is still battling a very old wound
This woman is still trying each and everyday to remind and teach herself
That silence does not equal rejection
This woman works so hard to change things and has
She has very special friends that have taught her how to love herself
She has very special friends that have taught her how to trust herself
She has very special friends that have taught her how to laugh
And from these very special friends, from their help and guidance, this woman
Is learning silence does not have to equal rejection . . .
© Leona Stoker, 2005
BIO: Leona Stoker is a forty-six year old woman who is happily married with two wonderful boys. She has an undergraduate degree in Elementary Education and a Masters in Early Childhood Special Education. Being new to the literary world, she uses her love of horses to inspire most of her work. She can be reached at: Leona Stoker 611 Grant St. Longmont, Colorado 80501 or crifam@aol.com
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