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As the New Year dawns, I question, " What am I looking for in my life?" Love. Intimacy. Balance. These are the first three " meaning-givers" that come to mind as I search my heart for the answer. I have been blessed with love, and I dance daily toward and away from emotional closeness. Balance, it seems, eludes me in life as it does in my yoga practice.
Some of the most difficult asanas (yoga postures) for me to hold are the ones that involve balance. As my yoga teacher Bruce likes to say with a smile, " We are practicing balancing, not falling over. Our goal is to find that place where we stay poised. It helps to go with any small movements the body makes and even to sway a bit, because trying to hold oneself rigid in a pose only facilitates toppling over." Aha, I realize: As it is in yoga, so it is in life.
Suddha, a teacher at the Kripalu Yoga Center in Massachusetts, guides on her "Gentle Yoga" videotape, " If you do fall out of the posture, say to yourself, ‘So what?œ and gently, gracefully resume the pose." Her attitude reminds me of when my granddaughter, Alexandra, was learning to walk about a year ago. Whenever she plopped down with a resounding thud, she pulled herself right up and tried again . . . and again . . . and again. Now, in addition to walking upright on her two sweet little feet, Alex delights in running, jumping, skipping and marching (to her own inner drummer).
We all learned to walk in a similar way, by losing our balance and regaining it again. Likewise, we often struggle to overcome other challenges -- not only those on the physical level. Balance, I have come to realize, plays its part across the board in all areas of our lives.
THE SYMBOL OF BALANCE
The traditional symbol of balance -- of equilibrium -- in Eastern cosmology is the circle of Yin and Yang. Surely, you have seen it -- a curved half of yin black, flowing into its mirror opposite of yang white. (The shapes have always reminded me of embryos, that is, of potential.)
Yin represents receptive, responsive female energy, while Yang symbolizes active, assertive male energy. The two are in perfect balance and symmetry -- the two equal halves complete the whole. Yet, like a magnet, they are polar opposites, attracting differences and repelling uniformity. Nevertheless, they need each other to create a union. Without one, the other is incomplete, and the circle is deformed. Indeed, it no longer exists.
Within each of us lie the dual energies of Yin and Yang. Perhaps, I conjecture; these representations also can be seen at opposite ends of a continuum with the balance point in the center, like a fulcrum. Then, their movement might be visualized as an animated seesaw -- when Yin is up, Yang is down, and visa versa.
And, as with a continuum, the premium positions are a range of points on either side of the center. So, our goal is not to act with the extreme of passive Yin or aggressive Yang. Rather, we seek to blend the two as they meet at points close to the center. We benefit by drawing upon the different energies of Yin and Yang to respond appropriately to various situations in our lives. We flow easily from healthy Yin to healthy Yang, depending upon which energy, which response, is needed at the time.
ANGER AND SEETHING RESENTMENT
I felt a lot of anger lately, anger and seething resentment in reaction to an " issue" with my stepdaughter. Whew! As I sense into these powerful, difficult emotions, my anger feels more like a deep well than a point along a continuum on the Yang side. In fact, it feels more like a geyser (Old Faithful?) or a volcano, than it does deep, still water.
So, just what does all of this imply? I sense that the resentments are rocks placed over the hole of the geyser or volcano. They get hot and spark sarcasm, while the rage stays buried and boiling. Is the resentment the fuel? No, the insight comes, the hurt is the fuel, and the anger protects the hurt. The resentment smolders as it holds back (yet justifies) angry words and actions. Hmmmm . . .
MALE AND FEMALE DIFFERENCES
Just like Yin and Yang, males and females in this culture have an opposite method of coping with anger. Men tend to express anger outward toward others, while women internalize it against themselves. In fact, one theory of depression is " anger turned inward." Statistically, more women become depressed and more men lash out with violence, against others or themselves.
For me, the hurt (i.e., the wound) feels more Yin -- it is soft and tender. It needs embracing, listening to, loving care. I am called to ask the tender place, " What happened that hurt you so?" and " What will help you to feel better?"
In contrast, the anger is total Yang. It is the protector, lashing out with a sword. Perhaps, the sword gets translated into sharp words. Perhaps, the sword serves as a guard, like Michael the Archangel, warning: " Beware. Don't hurt me. Don't ever even touch me." Yet, I crave touch -- the touch of love and friendship, metaphorically in my heart, and physically on my body. This need feels highly Yin -- the Yin of nurturing.
There is a relationship here, I realize, between my Yin and my Yang. When I am too Yin, that is, when I am too passive, I feel furious for not asserting my needs, my wants, and/or my desires. If I am too giving when it is not wanted or appreciated, I end up feeling hurt, rejected and enraged. Then, Yang takes over, called to duty like a soldier, ready to strike, wound and even kill to defend the homeland where the heart lives.
THE MIDDLE GROUND
I seek balance between my Yin and my Yang. I want to live in the middle ground around the still point at the center of the continuum. And, I remember that, like Yoga, all of this will take practice. After all, it is my Yoga " practice," not my Yoga " perfect," as Bruce reminds me in class.
Yes, my two-year-old granddaughter still falls down sometimes, usually when she runs or climbs, or after she twirls with joy. She is evolving beyond her limitations, moving from crawling on all fours to being agile on two feet as a human being. She is growing, learning, and stretching her boundaries of capability. I am, too.
As I stretch along the continuum, or as I flow from Yin into Yang within the circle, I hope not to be boxed in by either Yin or Yang. I want to freely access both energies as I need to do so. And, like water, I want to be fluid. Life brings its high-water marks and its low-tide troubles. I want to balance and sway in the " poses" that life brings my way, drawing upon both Yin and Yang energies to be fully human, to be fully myself.
Copyright 2004 © Anne Kelly-Edmunds.
Bio:
Anne Kelly-Edmunds hopes that you hear her truth. You can contact her with your P.O.V. at annekellyedmunds@hotmail.com.
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