I'll settle for being your favorite nuisance. I'm honored. Ecstatic, really--considering how many irritants your human life must hold. To be favored by you is surely a blessing; to be kissed by you, richer than Solomon's wisdom; to be held by you, something decidedly transcendental. I am certainly not the only one to feel it. It flows from you to me, and me to you in currents and tender waves, and in soft caresses of the soul, not merely of the flesh. No, you don't crash into me. You won't. You remain steady, solid, present. You are always there. Receptive, to a point, but still open, aware, not closed, ever. Well, maybe in words. But those are just words. Your actions keep me coming back. Waiting. Yes. I'm still here.
And yes, you are worth it. I have never been so persistent in all my life. The day you believe me is the day you'll relent. If only you could see yourself as I do. I'll show you. It may take time. I'm sure it will. I'll wait. You'll see it in my smile and feel it in the caresses of my lips against your flesh, your sweet neck. You'll see it in the knowing look in my eyes, in my furious nods of agreement, in the passionate arguments we may have already had, and in the arguments yet to come.
One day, you'll remember these words. Your heart will open somehow, some way. Time will be in my favor. Time will wear your fears away, open your mind to your heart, to what you really want, what you really need in order to be whole, alive. Dare I say it? Happy. At least sometimes.
You are, my sweet man, the finest of company. And I thank you for your self, the bits and pieces you give up in conversation, and in thoughts, and in the time that we share. You challenge me, and not just in your protest of my physical assaults, but in your ideas, convictions, arguments, and discourse. I thank you for that. I thank you for being you.
I respect you. I never want to hurt you. I never want to pressure you. I know I do. But you must also realize that I do use great restraint, that I play each day like the finest symphony, reserving each piece and part for the proper moment. The crescendo is constantly held at bay. Consider it allegro. I try, oh how I try, for sotto voce. Patience. I'm made of it. But, you are so precious to me. I cannot help myself but to try to reach you, to touch you, to be closer to you in the only way I know how.
Yes, I want to fuck you. Of course I do. I've had you, is that not enough to want--to demand--more? But, I wish you'd know it's so much more than that. I want to make love with you. To be inside you, inside your body, inside your head, all at once. Is this what
frightens you? I'm taking great risks by even disclosing this to you. I feel I have no choice. I've waited for you for so long. How many lifetimes? At least one. Now you are here, I'm ready for you and you're simply not.
I still believe. I'm not wrong. Not this time. I will continue to wait. I love you so very much. I wish you weren't so scared. I'll be your friend. I'll be your running partner. I'll just be me. Things won't change, you'll see.
I know you love me. I just wish you could let yourself do it. Let yourself go. I'm here. I'm here for you. I just wanted to let you know, just in case, just in case you were wondering why I won't, why I don't, give up.
Copyright 2001 Jamie Joy Gatto. All Rights Reserved.
Jamie Joy Gatto is a New Orleans writer and bisexual activist whose
short fiction has appeared in Best Bisexual Erotica 2000, The Unmade Bed,
Unlimited Desires, Tears on Black Roses, Black Sheets, among other quality
publications and in various markets, and is scheduled for Best Bisexual
Erotica 2001, Best SM Erotica, Love Shook My Heart II, Guilty Pleasures, The
Silence Within and S/M Dreams. She is editor-in-chief of the webzines Mind
Caviar [http://www.mindcaviar.com] and A
Bi-Friendly Place. She writes a quarterly BDSM column for TES's Prometheus,
and also a sexual philosophy column for www.suspectthoughts.com. Her first
collection of short fiction, Sex Noir: Stories of Sex, Death and Loss will be
released in 2002 by Circlet Press. She is currently co-editing an anthology
with M. Christian, Villains and Vixens: An Erotic Celebration of the
Scoundrel also scheduled for 2002. Jamie Joy's non-erotic work has been
published in venues as diverse as text books to coffee table books, including
essays, poetry, creative non-fiction and prose. She is also a previous
contributor to Moondance.