Just sitting down to write about abundance is a ritual for me. It is a huge issue in my life--always has been--and anytime I face this issue I get closer; I allow myself more; I release my conditioned responses to money.
Early this year I had a psychic reading done for me. It was a fluke. I hadn't gone looking for this reading. It, like so many other significant events in my life, found me. No personal information was shared. Nothing but my name and birth date was known about me, and the only connection between myself and the psychic was through "heart energy." It was a surprising experience, and couldn't have come at a better time.
I was told many interesting things. I learned the name of a spirit guide. I heard that someone on my mother's side of the family was watching over me. I was told my personal rituals (which I had not described, or mentioned, or even hinted at) were being rediscovered from past lives as a witch. I was informed that I was a helper of animals, and was surrounded by them spiritually (I do have three dogs on this earthly plane). I was encouraged to pursue my natural healing abilities, which were said to be of great value. And, I was told people would always come to me for help or advice, looking for truth and insight. These were some of the things I could easily have questioned. Anybody would. They could be real, or they could be psychic filler--things a person may want to hear, or would simply feel good hearing.
But, there were a few other things that struck me. I had recently lost a dog. She had died just two months before, and I had much sadness over this. The psychic described her in full detail. My mother, who died many years ago, was mentioned. The emotional obstacles I still felt, were "seen" by this woman. And, I was told, I had a big problem with money. In fact, I kept myself from getting any. In a listening silence, I reflected on this. It was undeniable, and unavoidable. It was true.
. I grew up poor. My family moved from apartment to apartment, just about once every year. We were sometimes evicted. We were sometimes hungry. We were sometimes afraid. But, my father did all he could to make sure we didn't miss out. He took us to museums and shows, the mountains and the beach. He shared with us his wonder and joy for life, and celebrated with us in a way that did not require money. So, maybe this is one reason I have resisted so much. Because I have felt that, ultimately, we don't need money to be happy. And, I made it... right?
Now, I am a mother, and I see the struggle from a parent's point of view. I look back and clearly see how truly my father did not choose or enjoy poverty. He only did all he could to protect us from its depressing, dire effects. And, I have struggled daily, in some way, to accept money for myself. To pray for financial security, to invite it, to welcome it.
Any exercise (such as writing an essay), that gets me to confront my conditioned responses, my guilt, my compassion for others with far less, my disdain of having too much, and who knows, maybe even my fear of having, is a powerful ritual, and is necessary.
I realized that the psychic was right. No wonder I have witnessed remarkable, graceful success from ritual work in other areas, but have not been able to see a money or abundance ritual through, without hesitation or guilt. I have simply not allowed it. Hearing this from someone else was like turning the key in the lock. I realized just how much of an obstacle I had put up, to my own success, my own financial security, my own material freedom.
And then, I began the work.
Mostly internal, this work has not only been to allow myself monetary abundance, but also self appreciation and healing. I have grown much this year. I have encountered emotions I buried years ago. I have taken steps I was previously too complacent or afraid to take.
Looking back over the year, I realize with some appreciation, that I have accomplished quite a few things. I'm not just talking about the small daily accomplishments inherent in raising a family, creating a home, being a spiritual person. Motherhood, besides being my greatest joy, is empowering. It is one of the only things I previously believed I did well. But, it is intuitive, from the heart, based on an eternal bond between myself and my daughter. My dedication to being a good mother is natural.
What wasn't natural to me before, was allowing myself accomplishment as an individual. Giving myself opportunities beyond my family, that might not only enrich my life, but the lives of others.
I had already been interested in energy healing when I had the reading done; but hadn't done much to pursue anything, always expecting I would not do anything significant. After the reading, I discovered Reiki. It was a great blessing. I have since received my first degree and plan on continuing. Reiki has brought much healing to my family, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. And to me, it gave the realization that I could offer something to others outside my family.
I began doing tarot readings professionally, which has gone extremely well these past few months. I have made friends with many of the people I read for. I have learned much about myself, in offering kindness, compassion, understanding, and hope. My experience reading for so many others has taught me about my own strengths, my own powers of intuition, and my ability to counsel. All of these things surprised me. I did not realize I could touch others, truly help them. My vision of myself altered, I have a new natural self-confidence and has brought success already.
Even in my approach to writing, I have grown. I was able to see that continually writing about the past was now inadequate; there was no longer any courage in that. I needed to write about what is happening right now, and what has yet to come.
My thinking has shifted. I feel I have entered some new phase of life. These few examples have taught me so much about myself, have expanded concepts of myself, and have helped to widen that door further.
I have become older, wiser, and stronger.
And now, from this new perspective, I see it is not natural to deprive myself. It is not healthy, and it is not kind. It is not just money, or financial security, that I have learned to allow myself. It is an abundance of soul, of spirit, and inner fulfillment. It is looking inside and seeing just what I am capable of, what I have to give. It is no longer hidden. It is this complete abundance of self, that I acknowledge now.
And whether I pray for abundance through an intricate, colorful ceremony, or simply evoke it through these words, I am drawing it with my heart and mind. It is only this clear intent that truly opens the door, and says "Welcome!", and it is with an open heart that I say, "Thank You!"
Artwork "Moondreamer" by Jaime Altieri.
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