My Own Road


Pat Fish



When I get filthy rich, I know just what I'm going to do. I'm not going to become immoral like so many of the wealthy end up. Nope. The thing I'm going to do. . .is build my own road all over America.

That's right, Pat Fish road and only *I* will be allowed to use it.

I might start small at first. Maybe I'll just build my own road all over, say, the state of Merryland for a start. That should take care of 98% of my driving. I'll expand from there, as needed. If I need to take a longer trip, I'll have them build my own road first.

It'll be a two-lane affair, but not a two-way road. Since it's my own road, there'll be no need. The direction of the traffic will depend on which way I want to go. It will have bright white stripes and plenty of lighting for the length. There will be no cops upon it and I will be able to drive as fast, or as slow, as I want.

Normally, I don't mind driving at all. It can be such a relaxing activity, but certainly not on the roads today. Oh no. There are too many teenage boys who learn nothing from their incredible insurance rates and are testicularly compelled to travel 80 to 90 while weaving in and out of the rush hour drivers. Then there are the blondes in the Trans Ams who, before you know it, will have their bumpers nudging your tailpipe because, goodness, where did this car come from that is blocking my way? In my part of Merryland, there is a plethora of pick-em-up truck cowboys who love to sit up high in their cabs, moving easily in and out of traffic as if the cars were other horses heading for the finish line and the pick-up truck is about to come from behind for a smooth and smashing victory.

So you see why I want my own road here.

Think about it. Your own road, for as long as you can see. Not one other car, not one other stupid driver. I'd probably still wear my seatbelt. I'm pretty sure I'd still drive safely. I'm not out to break the traffic laws. In fact, I only intend to be bothered with building my own road so that I CAN obey the traffic laws -- a feat not possible on today's highways.

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